The Pain and the Presence

Having suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome for a number of years has  given me a just an inkling of what it could be like for someone who has experienced far greater pain than me.

Lying here, Father,
I know You are there.
I don’t feel your Presence, but
I do feel the pain and discomfort
that tries to take over
and invade my fatigued soul.
Every aching muscle and sinew
vying for attention and
threatening to melt away the hope.

But as I look to You,
I know You are with me,
feeling my every feeling.
And as I keep on looking
and looking and looking,
reaching out to You,
minute by hour,
heart to Blessed Heart,
Your love seems to take over,
in a way I don’t understand.
Fear goes out the window,
faith and hope rise
and the pain grows dim
just for now –

The Fog of Fatigue

I found one of the most horrible symptoms of CFS/ME, is what I call the fog of fatigue. To have aching and painful muscles and joints with little energy is bad enough, but it seems cruel that the fatigue creeps like a mist into the head as well. It felt like part of me had got left behind somewhere and was accompanied by feelings that I was growing old before my time.

At it’s worst my thinking became dulled and my short term memory would suddenly go. A reminder of the times when I had nodded off in the middle of a business meeting and was jerked to attention by being asked a question. Similarly, I would use all sorts of ploys to get round the problem. That was another aspect; I looked normal and healthy enough, but the cloud within had the effect of partially separating me from others.

Slowly I came to the conclusion that I needed this. My mind needed rest, so not to fight it, but try and go with the flow. Things wouldn’t fall apart if I had a fogged mind, in fact it was the way forward for me for a time.

The depth of fog fluctuated and could go on for days and weeks on end. Occasionally, as the fatigue lessened and I headed for recovery, the cloud would lift for a few hours or a whole day. My mind became icicle sharp and I could think straight. At first, the release and relief was such that I would cry with the joy of it – it was like being in heaven. The next day though everything turned back to ‘normal!’.

The most challenging aspect for me was that this fog interfered with prayer, which is my lifeline from God, my love source. I had to learn new ways of maintaining this relationship, which continue now even though the fatigue is less. Just to sit quietly, accepting in faith that Father is with me, even in me, is one of the most basic and powerful ways of prayer. As I surrender to Him there is a heart to heart bonding without words. I have even found that after an hour or so, tiredness and fatigue begin to diminish. Powerful stuff.

The other side of the coin is that fatigue has a way of slowing down the mental processes and can result in lethargy. Dare I say it, but it is even possible to accept the fatigued state as normal! So as a part of the recovery process, I find a need to be more disciplined, sharpen up and learn new ways. Not just in prayer and bible reading, but in my whole approach to life and the daily routine, because there is truth in the saying, “Use it or lose it!”

Not easy. It can seem like a hard battle at times, but not to forget that God is readily available. He’s on our side!

Job and Chronic Fatigue

I was never comfortable reading the Book of Job and the message about suffering. I explained it away by saying it was old fashioned – like this picture of him and his friends, it’s not my style – and had been superseded by Jesus Christ on the cross. My stance was that it was no longer relevant to us today and that thinking was placed in a box, tied with string and hidden away. Deep down though, I was not entirely convinced.

It was when I became a chronic fatigue sufferer, that I had to look at Job afresh and change my thinking.

The enemy dealt a devastating blow to Job, who lost all that was precious to him. He constantly questioned God in an honest search for truth. He just didn’t understand where he had gone wrong. But in all that he did not lose his integrity and he did not deny God. Furthermore his friends were no help, but after he prayed for them he was reinstated. God even gave him twice as much as he had before.

I have not suffered like Job, but in my devastation I did seek answers from God to understand what was happening. I questioned because I honestly wanted to know what God was saying to me in the situation. I believe that was right, but if the questioning turns into complaining, that’s another thing.

I admit that when the discomfort or pain was great, I did complain at times. After all it is only natural when we are in distress. My attitude was bordering on saying something like, “You don’t know what you are doing God, and I don’t trust You!” A defining point came when I was at a low point, fatigue had been high for weeks on end and I wondered how much more I could take. It shook me to realise that I was angry with God for allowing this to continue.

Eventually a time came when questioning and complaining had to stop and I surrendered to God in complete trust. I had received God’s Word that He would heal me and I believed He would do what he said He would do, in His way and His time. It pained me to realise just how long this surrender process had taken. It seemed like wasted time.

I didn’t lose as much as Job, but I did lose what I considered very important and dear to me. Those things gave me standing and a reputation. I’ve lost the reputation and become a nobody, but my testimony of God working in my life is intact.

Most of my friends were involved with my activity and gradually drifted away when that stopped. I felt some of them have let me down, but I have forgiven them and pray for them. I have been partially healed and I am expectant for the rest. I believe I will get back what has been taken from me, but I realise that things will never be the same as before.

I am moving forward and the best is yet to come.