Speaking with a friend the other day, he asked me if I loved and accepted myself – meaning in the same way God does – and I replied about eighty percent. He said he felt he didn’t have a very good view of himself, so settled for twenty five percent.
I’m convinced that this was one of the factors that contributed towards my chronic fatigue syndrome.
It goes back a long way, rooted somewhere in childhood. I call it the stick and the carrot. The carrot was the demonstration of love and affirmation that I desperately needed from my father. The problem was that it always seemed out of reach. I thought maybe it was all my fault and I must try harder. But it was just not there. I couldn’t make it.
My father was a good man and did all he could for me. You cannot expect more from anyone, can you? As he put it in his own words many years later – he was just not made that way. He could not express emotion or love in a demonstrative way and as I grew into my teens this became even more difficult for him.
This left me as an adult feeling I had to perform to be loved and accepted. As such I became driven. It was only years after I became a Christian that my eyes were opened to this dysfunctional behaviour pattern and I started to find healing and release.
This driven state of needing to prove myself is energy sapping and this was when the fatigue finally caught up with me and I was diagnosed with M.E.. Over a period of years, as I sought to find a way through the fog with Jesus, I was slowly changed from a human ‘doing’ into a human being, so rather than being driven I am learning to flow with Father. Not at the one hundred percent accepting myself yet, but I now know I don’t have to try harder, but just rest in His presence and allow Him to love me. In other words I don’t have to try and get there, I don’t have to try and make it, He has already done it.