Stick and Carrot

Speaking with a friend the other day, he asked me if I loved and accepted myself – meaning in the same way God does – and I replied about eighty percent. He said he felt he didn’t have a very good view of himself, so settled for twenty five percent.

I’m convinced that this was one of the factors that contributed towards my chronic fatigue syndrome.

It goes back a long way, rooted somewhere in childhood. I call it the stick and the carrot. The carrot was the demonstration of love and affirmation that I desperately needed from my father. The problem was that it always seemed out of reach. I thought maybe it was all my fault and I must try harder. But it was just not there. I couldn’t make it.

My father was a good man and did all he could for me. You cannot expect more from anyone, can you? As he put it in his own words many years later – he was just not made that way. He could not express emotion or love in a demonstrative way and as I grew into my teens this became even more difficult for him.

This left me as an adult feeling I had to perform to be loved and accepted. As such I became driven. It was only years after I became a Christian that my eyes were opened to this dysfunctional behaviour pattern and I started to find healing and release.

This driven state of needing to prove myself is energy sapping and this was when the fatigue finally caught up with me and I was diagnosed with M.E.. Over a period of years, as I sought to find a way through the fog with Jesus, I was slowly changed from a human ‘doing’ into a human being, so rather than being driven I am learning to flow with Father. Not at the one hundred percent accepting myself yet, but I now know I don’t have to try harder, but just rest in His presence and allow Him to love me. In other words I don’t have to try and get there, I don’t have to try and make it, He has already done it.

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2 Comments

Filed under Christianity, chronic fatigue, family, healing, health, illness, Jesus, personal, relationships, spiritual

2 responses to “Stick and Carrot

  1. Myrna

    First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

    —————————-
    Are you tension? panic?

  2. I still find myself needing to work on loving and accepting myself 100%. It really is a process and not only our chldhood but events that occur in our lives shape how we feel about ourselves. It does bring peace to know that our Lord loves us just as we are and He created us!
    Thank you for this reminder today that I need to check in with myself and make sure I am loving and forgiving myself.

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