Just when I thought certain symptoms and aspects of chronic fatigue were a thing of the past, I had a minor relapse. All the difficulties and infections etc. in the three months up to last Christmas took their toll. Fatigue reared its head and I had to step back and start yet again on the slow journey to recovery.
On top of that the hormone therapy treatment for prostate cancer added acute tiredness. It’s like a sort of ‘chemical’ tiredness that comes and goes, resistant to the healing effect of rest or sleep. The resultant fog of fatigue (which see) is different but still trying.
However, these are early days and I am in a new learning ground. Now and again, without warning, this fog suddenly lifts and I am presented with a ‘window’ of alertness that is delicious. Awareness and senses are restored. How long this window lasts varies, but usually no more than a few hours. So what am I to do with this sharp time?
My greatest desire is for intimacy with Father. He is my lifeline and way forward. I also believe God has promised to heal me. He has brought me so far, often in remarkable ways, and is not going to dump me now, but abiding in intimacy is vital. So my decision is clear and obvious. Giving time first and foremost for intimacy is my top priority, important commitments aside. After all, we are told in the Bible if we look to God as a top priority, all ‘these other things’ will be looked after. (Matthew 6:33)
There lies the struggle. I long to revel in this fresh freedom and clarity, to write, meet with others or engage – within my restrictions – in some pressing project which in itself could have the potential to send me back into the fog.
The decision is really a no-brainer, so hopefully I follow the Spirit’s leading! Once decided upon and seated, problems and discomforts laid aside, the conversation develops until silence descends and hope rises. Always different, but if nothing else, there is the exquisite preciousness of just being with Father to keep me focused for what’s left of the day.
First things first!