Accepting that we have a chronic illness is absolutely key to moving forward. It took me a long time to stop struggling and surrender to God and seek His way in it. This is vital, but does not mean that I am totally resigned to it being my lot and have to stay this way. I have to give over, not give in.
There is another side of the coin in that “I don’t take it lying down.” This is an attitude that has a determination not to give in. It seeks to win through, push out the boundaries and regain lost ground, even if it is in tiny steps at a time.
To experience absolute fatigue in every part of your body is a horrible thing. Especially just when you think you are making progress in recovery and you go into yet another relapse. It’s like starting all over again! It feels oppressive, like someone or something is controlling or dominating your life. I found it was so easy to get into the way of thinking that I was a victim, powerless to do anything and even wallow in self pity.
I believe this sort of victim attitude stemmed from right back in my early childhood, but perhaps was reinforced by certain religious teachings that are still lingering in some churches today. I mean the sort of thinking that is influenced by the ancient monastic practices of self-flagellation and wearing hair shirts. This was a mentality and mindset in me that had to change.
These two sides of the coin, surrender and a determination to win through, go together, within a close love relationship with God. This for me has entailed the healing of emotional wounds and release from attachments that have disabled and held me back. I’ve also had to change my thinking to how God says He sees me. It ranges from knowing in my heart that I am loved just like a baby at it’s mother’s breast, to knowing in my experience that I am ‘more than a conqueror!’
I am in recovery but still have the occasional relapse and so the journey continues. When I do get knocked down I am not so slow in picking myself up, dusting myself off and carrying on. As I lean on God I am learning in amazement what can really be achieved in His strength.