It started with the prolonged acute illness and death of a loved one which took most of our time and energy. On top of which my cancer treatment has not progressed as expected. This has left us leaning on Jesus as never before and is taking us way beyond our own capabilities. We have been here before, but this is a ‘biggy!’  As my wife remarked the other day, “This is the biggest challenge of your life” and I replied that it was also a challenge for my life.

Jesus is taking us through and when the time is right I hope soon, God willing,  to be back writing with renewed inspiration from our experiences. I wish to thank those who have commented, expressed concern and for your prayers.

In the meantime you will find a weekly selection of my posts on Sitting Under My Fruit Tree.

New Year Blessings

Posted in bible, Christian, family, illness, personal Tagged: cancer, Christianity, family, health, Jesus, personal ]]> http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2010/01/11/sorry-for-the-silence/feed/ 4 wayfarerjon http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/summer-break/ http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/summer-break/#comments Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:08:30 +0000 wayfarerjon http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/?p=468 Continue reading →]]> I am having a summer break, so there will be no more posts for a few weeks. Time for family and friends and reflection. I’ll be back refreshed in the autumn.

In the meantime feel free to browse this site using the Dropdown Menu in the sidebar. My blog “Sitting Under My Fruit Tree” will continue on a weekly basis.

God’s Blessings

The media is our main source of information, but we hear conflicting accounts. Some of the newspaper headlines seemed to be designed to foster panic and anxiety. “800 could die daily!” and “It will return in the autumn with a vengeance!” and “Vaccines may not be available in time!” Official government releases have been more reassuring, “No more should die than in a normal ‘flu outbreak.!” But hey this is summer! Or, “for most it will be only a mild form, except that those with underlying health problems could be more at risk.” That would be a fair percentage of the population surely? The official term used is ‘pandemic ‘flu’ which I suppose doesn’t sound so nasty?

I’ve heard reactions ranging from the almost blase  – at least on the surface – “It’s around our area all right, but so what?” even to some who are staying at home and only venturing out for absolute essentials. It’s obviously wise and prudent to take sensible precautions, but what is really happening and what is the truth?

I doubt whether the medical experts really know how it will develop, as we are in unknown territory and that can be scary in itself.  They will keep us posted I’m sure, but are we anxious? I am aware this is what the Enemy (the opposite to God: ie: the devil) would have us be. He will use whatever he can to spread fear, whether it’s terrorism, financial meltdown or environmental disasters, all of which are on the increase. He knows that if plague does not make us ill, then fear certainly has the potential to finish us off.

I don’t believe you can defeat fear with anti-viral’s, financial gymnastics, military might or border controls, necessary as they may be. The only real way I know is through the opposite of fear, which is love, the love of God. This is the time for us to be absolutely assured that we belong to the Lord Jesus Christ and are grounded in a heart knowledge of His love.

In Him we have absolute protection, which doesn’t come by looking around us, but by believing what God tells us in His Word. We may not have absolute immunity, but if we put our trust in God we will be safe, because He is safe.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 New International Version

My wife is long-term disabled and increasingly mobility-challenged. Over recent years, I have been finding a way through two chronic illnesses and found the sudden physical restriction and loss devastating at first. There was so much stimulating and fulfilling activity, including Christian service, that I could no longer be part of.  But slowly, as I painfully let go of all that, I entered into another world.

This was a world where we were in the slow lane - sometimes even on the hard shoulder – but where, alongside the difficulties we discovered considerable benefits. There is time for things that really matter, such as marriage, family, relationships and creativity. Disability and illness can separate and isolate. Some friends slip into the background, but slowly friendships of a different kind develop. The resulting solitude gives time – if I so choose to turn from my ‘addictions’ – for  life-changing time of intimacy with Father.  ’

Above all else we have real solid hope for now, the future and everlasting.  We have become far more reliant upon God, who has brought us through some really challenging situations, often in staggering ways and I know that will never stop. We have experienced something of His healing and are expectant, but trust God to do things in His way and his time. When the going gets particularly tough, I remind myself that my ‘boundaries have fallen in pleasant places.

The ‘busyness’ of the past is now behind me and settled, although now and again I may feel a sadness when I am faced with something that I used to enjoy. I’m stronger now , but my walking is still very limited and I miss the joy of walking in the countryside.  Looking through our window  early one morning, I saw David from up the hill, striding down the road to join his rambling group for a day out.  I am getting on in age, but he is more than ten years older than me and I admit to just a twinge of envy. It seemed to me like he had it all going for him.

There are those Christians who say to have such feelings is wrong. To me, that smacks of triumphalism, which just could be another term for being in denial. Being a Christian is a heart relationship involving feelings, which are a part of us. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong feeling, it’s how we handle them that matters. The main thing is to take ownership of the emotions and talk them through with Father and find resolution.

Met David the other day and had a good chat. He explained how his wife had come through major life-threatening surgical operations and nearly died and also he had to deal with a cancer scare! I don’t know where He stands with God, that’s his business, but I look forward to further conversations with him.

As for me? Walking in the hills is on hold for now. I walk with Father which can be far more exciting and stimulating.

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Psalm 16:6 Good News Bible

Now, we are made for flying, it’s our birthright, but it can be scary. It’s only human to be fearful at the thought of having no visible means of support. So we often need a set of circumstances to catapult us out of our comfortable nest and use what faith we have to trust in God alone. The circumstances may still be difficult, but we are soaring above them. Flying can be exhilarating and satisfying, that is until we lose our focus and come down to earth with a bump. Father however, picks us up, dusts us down, and prepares us for the next round.

This is a poem written by a friend:

Birthright

On young eagles wings, soaring and gliding
In the grace of wind and current
In the grace of love and freedom
Answering the Spirit within,
Joyously,
Nor looking backwards
Nor struggling, nor striving,
With clean anger soon spent,
Nor weight of gall, nor guilt, nor pride.

And when storms force refuge
And when the hurts run deep
And when the bruise and the break
Make flying a gift only dreamed of,
Or only remembered,
Then, Lord, renew our eagles wings
Given as our birthright
And let us take others with us
Soaring and gliding in your love
Sure of your hand beneath,
Your smile above.

“- those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31 New International Version

I was having a clear out and tidy up this morning and came across this poem amongst a pile of papers.

I offer it as is without comment:

What is a Church?
The Church is never a place
but always a people.
Never a fold but always a flock
Never a sacred building
but always a believing assembly.
The Church is you who pray
not where you pray.
A structure of brick or marble
is no more a Church
than your clothes or serge and satin
can be you.
There is in this world nothing sacred
but woman and man.
No sanctuary of God
but the heart..
(Anon)

“For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body” 1 Corinthians 12:13 New International Version

We’ve been away for four days and now see that there are three of them, brothers and sisters together, all waddling around our garden, looking totally out of place and pecking desperately at the grass and some of our flowers, hoping for some sustenance. One of them is even trying to wash itself in the tiny muddy bird bath! Has nobody told them there is an ocean of delicacies just two hundred yards away? They just haven’t yet discovered who they really are and that they have a God-given ability to fly. For the moment at least they are settling for a mere shadow of what’s available to them, that’s not even second best! I’m waiting for the day when they will take the risk and launch off!

We now see that the mother is still sitting on an empty nest – she has done her job! But the father stands guard over them. He doesn’t feed them but waits and presumably encourages them.

Do we know we can fly?

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. — He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31 New International Version
See (here) for the update on this post.

We also kept chickens and I delighted in lifting the nesting box lids to see if there were any eggs. If there were, I would rush back to the house clutching my precious prizes. Hopefully they arrived unbroken. For a real treat we would have one of the birds for Christmas dinner. My father was surprisingly squeamish, so asked the milkman to do the dirty deed. I helped with the plucking. I remember the fluffy under-feathers floating around and filling the air in our small lean-to greenhouse. We fed the hens on something called balancer meal, which was mixed into a mash with cooked vegetable waste.

One day, the peelings were boiling merrily on the kitchen range, while I reclined in comfort on the floor just below. I don’t quite know how it happened; I think my sister must have caught the saucepan handle. But the next thing I knew, the contents of the pan were cascading over me. I had the presence of mind to shield my face. My bare arm took the brunt and was plastered with scalding-hot potato peelings. I shrieked and my mother panicked and rushed out carrying me. The only available car in the road was pressed into service and we were rushed to the children’s hospital on the edge of town.

There I lay on a trolley in the corridor for hours, shaking all over with terror. Eventually I was wheeled into a ward and my mother had to leave. They placed a kind of metal arch over me. It had electric light bulbs inside to keep me warm, I presumed because of the shock. I felt very shut in and scared. A nurse came and asked if I wanted a bottle. I declined, thinking it was a strange thing to offer me. The truth was, I was dying for a pee!

Life in a children’s hospital in those days was totally different to the child-friendly wards of today, where parents can even stay with their children. Everywhere had to be tidy and spotless and every morning matron would do her inspection rounds. She headed the military procession dressed in her stiff starched uniform, followed by a retinue of nurses and doctors. The staff were terrified of her, let alone the patients. We had to remain in bed all tucked up and on our best behaviour. Once she’d gone we would lark about. The one bright spark of the day was the hospital porter. He seemed to be the only normal person around. He would breeze in with a joke and a quip to try and make us smile.

I don’t remember much about the food, except we had dried bananas – fresh ones were unobtainable – which were dark brown, shrivelled and tasted terrible. I won’t tell you what they reminded me of! After dark, the lights had to be kept low because of the air raid restrictions. It was difficult to sleep because of children crying, especially the girl in the next bed. She had burns over the whole of her back. I felt like I was in prison and was so lonely and scared. I wanted to go home to my mummy and daddy.

Limited visiting was allowed in the afternoons. My mother would come, or both parents at weekends, and bring me some delicacy, like segments of orange with sugar in a Sunny Spread jam jar. It tasted nice, but what I really wanted was a hug and to be told I was going to be all right! I couldn’t ask, because I thought that ‘big boys don’t cry!’ Our vicar came one day. I couldn’t have been very friendly towards him, because I was told off later. I hadn’t made him very welcome. Poor little mite!

After three weeks the time came to be taken home. I remember being given a purse full of coins from well-wishers. I thought to myself “who are all these people and where are they?” I soon developed a nervous tic and kept flexing my left arm. I was taken back to the doctor, but he didn’t know what to say, except that it would subside in time. What I really wanted was a hug and to be helped to express how I was feeling inside. But my parents couldn’t do that and children’s counselling was unheard of then. So I pushed the hurt deep down and shelled it over and got on with life.

It was many years later as an adult, when I was introduced to a God of love, that I allowed the feelings to come to the surface. I learned that painful memories can be transformed. A man called Jesus walked through that ward with me. He had really been with me all the time and had cried for me. Bit by bit the fear and anxiety was lifted off and I was hugged and told it was all right. We then walked hand in hand, out of that prison, into the light of day and freedom.

I still have a scarred arm to remind me, but the scar on the inside has been healed and made better. Another thing I learnt; it’s all right for men to cry.

Childhood trauma has the potential to have an adverse, even disabling affect upon our adult lives. Thankfully Jesus can put this right if we are prepared to bring out the hurt to Him. This is my story of one such time as a small boy.

I  want to remain soft and pliable. What I often call being soft in the heart and hard in the head! Hopefully I’ve come to recognize the signs of starting to become brittle, like being intolerant, snappy or controlling for example. You could say that in trying circumstances this is excusable, but this isn’t the Jesus way.

No matter where we are in our Christian walk, whether newly awakened or a seasoned traveller, it’s a journey of daily surrendering to God. Surrender is the way in, the way forward and the way out. The problem is that it goes against our nature to let go and give over, so at times we can get stuck and start to harden. I have found it really scary, even terrifying to let go of the last vestiges of my agenda or my security or whatever I am clinging onto. But God will do everything in His power to keep us on course – but always waits for our yes.

Father
I want to be me
I want to be getting on
but I don’t seem to be moving
Things are getting in the way
I’m really trying to move in faith
to be making a difference in this world
but things are diverting me away from working for you
from following the path I thought you’d mapped out for me
But it’s hard Father, in fact some days I just feel like a lump of clay
getting nowhere

Son
I know the longings in your heart
I see how hard you try to follow Me
But I’ve allowed these ‘things’ you talk about
to change you and get you moving to where you long to be

But Father
It’s risky and I’m frightened
I don’t really know where you’ll take me

Son
Just yield to Me and
let Me have My way with you
Take your hands off and be that clay
in My warm and gentle hands and allow Me
to work in you and make a difference
Trust me
I gave My life for you

“So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” Jeremiah 18:3-4

My main concern for the first few weeks at least, was to ‘get my feet under the desk’, keep my head down and apply myself to my new role and whole range of working relationships. For the first time in many years I was back in a large open plan office, which took some getting used to. To be truthful I found it a bit humbling. The man at the desk next to  me had a lot to say. You could say he was a ‘loud mouth’ and rude with it. However I liked him and we had a few interesting conversations, as you do. It wasn’t long before  he had worked out that I was a Christian, so late one afternoon he stated in a loud voice, for all the office to hear, “I bet being a Christian isn’t  as good as sex!”

I could sense all ears were straining to hear my reply to this ‘humorous’ taunt, but I was stumped, so made some holding remark and got on with my work. This troubled me because I felt I should have had some instant reply. I thought it over at home and next morning I asked him into a side room where I gave him my heartfelt answer, speaking of the real hope within me. Even now, I have no idea how he received this, but when the day came for me to finally depart, he brought in a magnificent strawberry fruit cake his wife had made.

I still have a longing to share with others the tremendous hope there is in Jesus, but I don’t want to try and answer questions that are not being asked. That’s a waste of time. There is a time and place and always that is God’s choice. The ‘question’ usually comes when and where we least expect and often upsets our own ‘important’ agenda. But if we walk in tune with Father and speak from the heart, we will have done all we need to do.

At times we may feel foolish in our simplicity, but that’s OK so long as we are Christ’s fool.

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” 1Peter 3:15 New International Version

It was for February 4th “The overmastering majesty of personal power” and was speaking about Paul who said  he was overruled, overmastered, held as in a vice, by the love of Christ.  Ossie Chambers goes on to comment that very few of us know, what it means to be held in a grip by the love of God. Not our love for Christ, but Christ’s love for us!

All thought of clearance vanished as I read it over and over. It was as if this was a ‘God moment!’ I felt gripped and challenged. Something was stirring within. I asked myself the question: Is the love of God really the number one motivation in my life, controlling all I do, I wondered? I’m not like Paul, I’m ‘me,’ but I want that absolute dedication and identification  that he had. I felt a longing within and wanted to get alone with God.

I often think that there at least three ways in which we can know God loves us:

First of all, we know Jesus loves us because it says so in the Bible. Like the old children’s song, “Jesus loves me! this I know, For the Bible tells me so.” When this truth sinks in it changes our lives and we are turned upside down. Nothing short of a miracle!

Next, we know that God loves us because he answers our prayers. It can be staggering to think that God cares about every little detail of our lives that He actually answers our requests.

Finally, we know God loves us because he has loved us. That in our experience we have known and know Father loving us. It’s this abandonment to the love of God that makes all the difference. This is where the power lies.

When we are first impacted with the love of God, it’s as if our heart is pierced. But it’s only the start of a full-blown love affair and along with it goes a longing for more. But in my experience I know only too well that the love affair needs heart-to-heart cultivating and given top priority or it is in danger of fading like the briefcase and may even stagnate. However, God know us to well and loves us too much to leave us that way. So he will always use whatever means are appropriate to get our attention, to draw us closer, to go further and deeper with Him.  He then waits for our response.

I am now cleaning and polishing the briefcase and filling it with materials so that it will be ready to be used with creative vigour at the Artist’s pleasure.

There is much more in the “My Utmost for His Highest” devotional for Feb 4th which you can read here:

“For the love of Christ controls and urges and impels us,” 2Corintians 5:14 Amplified Bible
“Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes.” 2Corinthians 5:14 The Message Bible

My wife says jokingly, that one of the inscriptions on her gravestone will be “He made me laugh!” Surprising, as one of our small granddaughters once said that I have a sad face, but on the other hand  friends have said they like my smile! It seems then, that lurking somewhere in the melancholic/sanguine mix of my temperament, is a gift to make others laugh?

So I give thanks for this, but at the same time I am only too aware of the pitfalls and have to watch out for the ‘shadow’ side. I know that at times, in the flow of conversation, I am prone to laughing in the wrong place or injecting a quick quip inappropriately.

So we have to be on our guard:

Always coming out with a witty remark is a gift, but used in the wrong way can put us ‘centre stage’ in control of the conversation. It’s tantamount to saying ‘look at me!’ Perhaps the North American way of spelling ‘humor’ with only one ‘u’ is the right one? It maintains the right balance with ‘you’ no more important that the rest? On some television satirical programmes, witty remarks can be at someone else’s expense, even attacking. If we are tempted to do this, it can be hurtful and helps no one, least of all ourselves..

Why do we do this. One answer could be that we may want to keep the conversation superficial, in order to the risk of displaying our own inner pain and weakness that may be lurking just below the surface. Do we do this with God I wonder?

Following Jesus is a serious business but it helps not to take ourselves too seriously. I’m sure Jesus often had a smile. But perhaps we should be aware and think before we speak. The tongue can be used for bestowing great blessings or otherwise!

“Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” James 3:5 New International Version

I am somewhat predisposed to turning things over in my mind, but when that goes on and on without closure, I call it worrying.

When I became an operations manager for our local water company I was on call 24/7 and found it difficult to switch off and let it all go to God. This was especially so during the longest and biggest drought in our area for decades. I didn’t know  where to go to get away from it all. Yes, it was a highly pressured job, but later, when I worked from home for a year or so,  I found that some of the pressure came from within me, and discovered I made my own stress. I became so immersed in my work, I didn’t know when to stop and when I did I was still thinking about it.

If there was a problem at work, a project at home, trouble with the car or financial difficulties, whatever, I was prone to carrying it along in my mind to try and solve it. I soon found however, that it wasn’t until I really let go of it, that the solution appeared, as if from nowhere.

I came to realize this sort of behaviour pattern, that so drains us of energy,  needs a disciplined – not one of my favourite words – approach. Think the matter through, do what you have to do, if that’s appropriate and then leave it, drop it, let go of it to God, put it into Jesus’s basket and He will whip it away with a smile, so that we can focus on Him.

I almost know these verses below off by heart, but they came back to me this week afresh and I felt challenged.  As we enter into the deep heart knowledge that God cares for us to the ultimate, we come to live it out, knowing that He really will look after us in every way possible. The enemy knows this and will do everything he can to divert us and get us to put our energy into self preservation or anything that’s not God’s agenda for us.

As we surrender to God and demonstrate our commitment in action – I believe there’s a difference between surrender and commitment – Father steps in with absolute provision and the result is a deep peace within. We flow rather than be driven.  I voiced this to a minister once, who said we are only human, so cannot expect this to happen every day! Well, I’m still learning, but I expect it and prefer to believe in the truth and potential of what God says in His Word.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? -  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  -  your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:27-34 New International Version

She is gifted and talented and we are proud of her. She has a vivid imagination and lives life to the full, can be very sensitive and often takes the lead in group play. But just now and again she will ask a question or do or say something a bit quirky, outside what would normally be accepted as the social norm for the given situation. But who are we to dampen the tremendous spirit she has, there could be a potential genius in the making. In reality, it’s often the sort of thing she does, that many ‘normal’ adults may wish they could do or say, but keep quiet in case they may offend – or feel shamed?

This makes me wonder, what is normal, who is normal?

In many group situations whether, business, office, club and especially in some church and Christian fellowships, there is an expected way of behaviour and way of doing things. But sometimes this expectation to conform can be confining and stunt progress. Daring to be different may rock the boat and there will be pressure – real or perceived – to conform. I once overheard a conversation regarding a club member, “she’s not really one of us!” I don’t know, but perhaps ‘she’ was just a bit different and some were finding that ‘difference’ embarassing or maybe it revealed their own longing or inner pain.

Most of us in some way or another are ‘dysfunctional, and haven’t yet realised the full potential we have in Christ. We are instructed in the Bible to lay down our lives, for the sake of the wider ‘community’, but before we can lay down our lives we need to ‘get a life.’ It’s Father who shows us who we really are, if we ask, and as we are all work in progress, we need to accept the differences in our midst.

So I urge us to do two things:

Go all out to follow the individual path God has for us and discover what we are made for even if this means living with other’s misunderstanding.

and

accept and embrace the differences in those around us.

“For the body itself is not made up of only one part, but of many parts. — As it is, however, God put every different part in the body just as he wanted it to be. There would not be a body if it were all only one part! As it is, there are many parts but one body. So then, the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” Nor can the head say to the feet, “Well, I don’t need you!” 1Co 12:14-21 New International Version

I want you to listen.

You see …
I have an ache inside;
a sort of pain,
that really hurts.
It’s been there …
since I was a child.
I’ve tried to ignore it,
cover it over,
but it won’t go away.
It’s coming to the boil.

Can you listen and
put your agenda to one side?
Give me your attention,
and be there for me?

I don’t want you to fix it
or make it better.
I just need to know
I’ve been heard,
and just possibly …
understood.

I need to know
I’m safe with you,
that you won’t tell,
because I’m afraid
and ashamed
of what may come out.

But …

You’re looking at your watch.
Your gaze is elsewhere.
Am I boring you?
Yes,
I know you have problems.
Perhaps another time?

Wayfarerjon

“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” – Winnie the Pooh

“Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1: 19 New International Version

The amazing thing is that in some ways the countryside has changed little since those days. The country lanes, often lined with ancient oaks, on the whole are the same, except the dirt surface has been replaced with tarmac. Some old farm buildings are still standing including timber-framed houses in various states of repair and even older churches.

It was a really good feeling to soak in these pastoral scenes, including cattle and sheep grazing in lush green meadows by the side of a meandering river, all bathed in brilliant sunlight. It was idyllic, but don’t be deceived. That was the rural setting then, but the realities of living in those times for most were hard and come the industrial revolution the working conditions were often appalling. My ancestors were God-fearing, hard working, stoical artisans, but life was hard and they were used to ever-present poverty and grief. I am thankful for and welcome the former inheritance – which, together with my upbringing has helped shape me – but have sought freedom through Jesus from the latter.

It’s good to look back and be thankful, but I was reminded that as Christians we have an incredibly delightful inheritance. We have a new home with Father that is as old as the hills, but lasts for ever. What’s more we don’t have to wait for our inheritance, we can experience this life-changing ‘gift’ right now, giving us a taste of what is to come. There have been difficult times when I have thought my lot was far from being a ‘pleasant place’, but am learning that God only allows what He can use to bring us closer to Him and prepare us for our everlasting future with Him.

I find that just to think and meditate on this touches me to the core.

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Psalm 16:5-6 New International Version

One day we were playing on the outskirts of the village. In the middle of the field we discovered a scruffy apple tree and there on a high branch was just one apple. I was dared to climb up and get it and not to be outdone I started to clamber up, cheered on by my friends. It was higher than I thought and felt a bit unnerved as I gingerly wrapped my legs around the branch. I really felt out on a limb as I inched my way along the bough, which was beginning to bend. Just then the farmer appeared, striding across the field. He looked angry! The other boys ran off, but I had my eye on that apple. Just as I grabbed it the branch broke and I fell to the ground on my stomach, winding myself. The farmer was fast approaching, so I ran off, but forgot the secret way across the boggy stream and was soon up to my knees, with the farmer standing on the edge, waving his stick. I extricated myself and made my way home wondering what my mother would say about the state of my shoes and socks.

I can look back now and see how significant that episode was. As a child I had a sense of adventure that somehow, over the responsibilities, trials and pressures of my adult years got dimmed. However God, in His infinite love and wisdom saw into my heart and wasn’t going to let it stay that way. He didn’t want me to stay in my ‘comfortable nest,’ so He allowed circumstances to come along to bump start me into ‘risky living!’ Whether it was trying to find my way through very trying circumstances or in stepping out on a project that was on my heart, I have often found myself out on a limb. It was fine at first, especially with friend’s encouragement, but as the going got tough that support tended to evaporate. I then felt all alone, going where I hadn’t been before – into the unknown. Holding onto that branch was scary, even frightening. I looked behind, but could see there was no going back. I looked down, but that made me feel panicky, so I fixed my gaze on that apple and somehow, in a way I don’t understand I finally had my hands on that fruit – and sometimes I didn’t!

I believe God wants us out on a limb, trusting in him. We may feel unsafe out on the ‘branch,’ but remember it is connected to the solid dependable tree of life. We may even fall, but we ‘fall up’ into His arms and in our journey we will have moved on, ready for the next time. He will never ever let us down.

Let’s go for that golden apple.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you;” New International Version

I wrote this very personal piece some years ago, when I was catapulted into chronic fatigue and loneliness that defied a human solution.

Whereas before, I was aware of the presence of God, it felt He had gone – this was my own Dark Night of the Soul.

I knew I had to trust Him to take me through the chasm of pain to the other side and that He did over a period of several months. Read More….

It’s lonely in here, very, very lonely
as if I’m the only person
in the whole wide world
and I’m frightened and hurting
I feel so helpless
I want to go back to how it was before, but I can’t
I want to escape, to run away.

Where are you God?
You seem so far away!
Why have you left me all alone?

In reality he is close
not the feeling, but the real thing
Jesus kneeling at my feet
“What would you have me do for you?”
What a God! at my feet!
Waiting patiently for the word
Waiting, waiting…
Yes, yes Lord, but .. but I need a lifeline
but yes, yes Lord, yes!

And as the yes’s and the trusting grew
and except for the odd backward glance,
the journey entered upon,
standing empty in the barren desert,
feeling the feelings with Him
I remind myself
He will not let me down,
He will not let me be tempted more than I can bear
and …

as my eyes become accustomed to the darkness
I find beauty to behold,
diamonds and precious stones
hidden behind the pain,
memories that heal and not hinder,
heart to blessed heart
words of love
the pain starts to lift
and the anxieties start to melt away.

Until the time when I feel His embrace
- and do you know
it can actually hurt to be loved!
But Lord don’t stop.

Is this the end?
no, it’s just the beginning.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3 New International Version

1. Fun. There are times when I have to remind myself not to take life too seriously and find time for fun. Yes FUN! It helps to have a sense of humour. Mine gets buried at times and I need to let it out and even take the risk of offending some.

2. I’m learning poise - I needed to. There’s only one day that matters and that’s today. I’m learning to savour and enjoy the moment, whether it’s a chance meeting or to gaze at a bee feeding of the flowers in our garden.

3. I’m learning to ‘be.’ The ‘being’ that starts in the womb and continues as an infant on mother’s knee seeing the affection in her eyes and as we grow receiving validation from our fathers. Many of us missed out somewhat on this sort of thing. I believe a lack of a ‘sense of being’  - as I call it – can be at the root of so much stress-related illness. Fortunately this lack can be corrected by sitting on the knee of Father God, spending time with Him in intimacy. This is a need God has put within me, but setting aside the space can be a battle at times.

4. Making the most of time. With our limited strength and energy – is anyone unlimited? – we have been living in what we call ‘the slow lane’ and see others whizzing by – perhaps they are missing out on something? Paradoxically the weeks and months seem to fly past, so it’s impressed upon us to choose carefully what we do and how we do it. The only way I know how to do this is to yield to Father and follow His lead and experience that He has more than enough strength.

5. I’m learning to follow the dreams and desires God has put within me. This often seems risky, especially as what ‘normal’ people see as simple and everyday, can be a challenging adventure to us. So if something comes to mind, I either do it or forget about it. For my 60th birthday my wife arranged for us to go on a hot air balloon trip – don’t ask me how I got her into the basket!  No matter that we hit overhead electric power cables and were splashed over  the newspaper front page the next day. We had a perfect landing following a beautiful and unforgettable experience. God took care of us.

6. I have never been good at feeding relationships and I try to change this. Especially important because some friends, for one reason or another, cannot handle disability and chronic illness and they fall away. Some we have to let go, but others come along.

7. Change. I’m still learning to be more flexible. I used to have a habit of wanting to maintain the status  quo – sticking with what I am familiar with even if it may not be the best. Life is about changing and it’s best to get into that attitude early in life or it gets harder later on – believe me!

8. Childlike not childish. My journey has involved letting my childlike side come to the fore, but dealing with the childish traits and emotional ‘wounds’ that can be so disabling in adult life.

9. Deal with loss and grief without pretending, let go of what I cannot do and discover or rediscover what is possible. I now have time to write and paint for example.

10. Learning to be me and live with other people’s anger.

11. Guard the Spirit within me and encourage hope.

I could keep on but I’ll stop here. My wife would add a lot more I’m sure.

“One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking of you.
Teach me today, to do all the things that I have to do.
Yesterdays gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord, for my sake, teach me to take, one day at a time.”

The Thirty Nine Steps

We really welcomed our move to Cornwall. There had been some delay. We headed an ever-growing chain of interested buyers, so made the decision to arrange a bridging loan. It was risky, but John had to start his new job. We were separated for a time, but eventually moved on 5th November 1972 in the rain.

Our children – six and three – thought our new house was great, with bedrooms downstairs built into the hillside and 39 steps up to the front door. They ran up and down and in and out excitably. The beach was just down the road – a new adventure to be lived. Our new home was light and bright with views of sea and countryside. We felt really blessed.

Fortunately the house sales went through and within two months we began making our mark on our new home, starting with the upstairs bedroom. John had agreed to my mother living with us.

The moving was tiring and I had painful toes on my left foot causing me to limp and I was feeling most unwell, so introduced myself to the doctor who arranged blood tests. When I returned for the results he said it wasn’t gout, but sorry to report that it was rheumatoid arthritis, a crippling and disabling disease. Treatment was offered and he recommended seeing a R.A. consultant at Bath. I quietly received my ‘sentence’ – there was no offer of talking it through. My mother had developed R.A. after my father died and I had seen how it gradually claimed movement.

It became a daily battle, but I also saw it as an opportunity to achieve the impossible. I sought to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend wherever I could. A three-week stay in a rheumatoid hospital was an unforgettable experience. There was an understanding amongst us. We laughed and cried and listened and encouraged each other. Drug treatment was offered and started.

Within weeks of leaving the hospital I visited my mother who was struggling. I gave all I could and wanted to stay, but returned home. She died ten days later. I was devastated. The nurse who assisted my injection suggested I speak with the new doctor. He came to our home and stayed three hours sharing his understanding and belief in a living God who comforts and helps and seeks a relationship with us. I had attended Sunday School and church services for years but the reality of a personal God had not registered.

I met Myrtle who pointed me to a retired doctor, who asked if I was a Christian. I thought I was and believed Jesus was – just – an example. She took me to a healing service where I heard the Gospel preached simply but powerfully. I responded to the heart message that Jesus died for me because He loved me. Prayer for healing followed and my body was free.We ‘flew’ home that evening. I tried to share what had happened with villagers, church and friends, but it was not received, but I chose to walk with Jesus and one step led to another. It was not an easy path, but mishandling only made me more sure of Jesus being my saviour and friend.

I became very tired ‘doing’ wherever needed and the R.A. symptoms returned and I became less and less able. John has spoken of not handling illness well, but he certainly played his part in keeping things going. I shall always be thankful that he chose to stay. Also our children coped well with an unwell mother which they say has shaped not harmed them. They are both caring father and mother with their own families.

Looking back, the years have been difficult but certainly not wasted. I was involved with playgroup as treasurer, and on the school parent teacher’s committee, started an over sixties club in the village – it’s still operating – assisted with a ladies discussion group for ten years and I visited and encouraged the elderly. For years we were very involved with the village church, where I became treasurer for twelve years, but now we are more selective. More recently I have been part of an art group and producing flower and hand drawings that speak of God’s wonderful creation and His touch. Also we have just started a singing-for-fun group, giving expression to joy.

I have had two falls within a year causing fractures and lack of balance, but I am alive and seek to live productively, but also more closely with my God. I thank God the isolation I have felt keenly when I heard of others’ activities and was not included, no longer results in feelings of rejection, but an opportunity for space with Him. I continue to believe God heals, but in His time and in His way for His glory. I wait expectantly. R.A. doesn’t kill but takes your life, but I give ongoing thanks for the Lord’s enabling and strength as I turn to Him for help and encouragement.

If you would like to read my husband’s viewpoint look here

Posted in biography, Christian, chronic fatigue, disability, family, healing, illness, personal Tagged: biography, Christian, disability, family, fatigue, God, healing, illness, marriage, personal, prayer, rheumatoid arthritis ]]> http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2009/03/31/239/feed/ 4 wayfarerjon http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/stick-and-carrot/ http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/stick-and-carrot/#comments Fri, 27 Feb 2009 09:37:59 +0000 wayfarerjon http://wayfarerjon.wordpress.com/?p=231 Continue reading →]]> Speaking with a friend the other day, he asked me if I loved and accepted myself – meaning in the same way God does – and I replied about eighty percent. He said he felt he didn’t have a very good view of himself, so settled for twenty five percent.

I’m convinced that this was one of the factors that contributed towards my chronic fatigue syndrome.

It goes back a long way, rooted somewhere in childhood. I call it the stick and the carrot. The carrot was the demonstration of love and affirmation that I desperately needed from my father. The problem was that it always seemed out of reach. I thought maybe it was all my fault and I must try harder. But it was just not there. I couldn’t make it.

My father was a good man and did all he could for me. You cannot expect more from anyone, can you? As he put it in his own words many years later – he was just not made that way. He could not express emotion or love in a demonstrative way and as I grew into my teens this became even more difficult for him.

This left me as an adult feeling I had to perform to be loved and accepted. As such I became driven. It was only years after I became a Christian that my eyes were opened to this dysfunctional behaviour pattern and I started to find healing and release.

This driven state of needing to prove myself is energy sapping and this was when the fatigue finally caught up with me and I was diagnosed with M.E.. Over a period of years, as I sought to find a way through the fog with Jesus, I was slowly changed from a human ‘doing’ into a human being, so rather than being driven I am learning to flow with Father. Not at the one hundred percent accepting myself yet, but I now know I don’t have to try harder, but just rest in His presence and allow Him to love me. In other words I don’t have to try and get there, I don’t have to try and make it, He has already done it.

They are already forming their own opinions and it’s particularly at mealtimes when their individual likes and dislikes came to the fore. ‘I don’t eat cheese’ and ‘I only drink apple juice’, etc. At their last meal before their return home we had them to ourselves. My wife went to extra trouble in preparing a special desert; meringue and cream topped with fresh raspberries. This was a great hit – just time for a quick whispered “this is nice!” between spoon fulls – until the youngest, having wolfed down her raspberries – she eats anything red! – pushed the dish away from her. “I don’t like cream.’ ‘Don’t like cream?’ I thought.

I was about to remark to my wife, that when I was a child we had two choices; we either ate what was put in front of us or we left the table. But I felt a check and had second thoughts. I wondered if I am any different now? I may be older in years, but do some of those childish ways still linger on?

When I worked in an office, there was always the tendency to delve in my in-tray and pick out the ‘nice’ items; those that  were the easiest to deal with. I could always leave the rest until later, on the pretext of the overwhelming pressure of work, which was partly true. At home there are choices: clearing a blocked drain or going down to the beach, doing the household accounts or watching my favourite TV programme. Guess which wins?

During the times when I have been battered by chronic fatigue, I had the obvious excuse, but in fact it had the opposite effect. Even with such little energy, I didn’t want it to beat me, so I resolved that each day I would do at least one thing that I really liked and one thing, no matter how small, that I didn’t like. Hopefully it would be good to look back at the day and see something achieved.

You could say that these things are only human, but I believe there is more to it than that. These childish behaviour patterns rooted in the past, can hamper our relationship with Christ and have a disabling effect upon our lives.

I’ve come to the conclusion there are no such things as ‘nice’ or ‘nasty’ if we change our thinking and make the right choices, they are all used to the good.

It was just a few words from two friends who had ‘been there’ that was most helpful and confirmed for me that Father God would take me through the abyss of desolation to the other side. And this He did over a period of several months, at times in amazing ways. I repeat, He did it!

It was the ‘going through’ that was the difficult part, where I would have liked some support with ‘arms on’ in my emotional wilderness!’ However, apart from having a very understanding wife, such support was thin on the ground. Some kept away and it came back to me via the grapevine, that I was ‘depressed,’ which was certainly not a fair description of my condition. Several Christian friends showed concern and some wanted to ‘fix it’ for me and even perform deep prayer ministry. It’s not that I am against that sort of thing – to the contrary, as I have been involved in prayer ministry myself – but I just knew it was not appropriate for me in that instance and would have been counter productive. I just needed to ‘be’ and so had to live with others’ misunderstanding.

There were one or two exceptions to this. One being an elderly neighbour in his nineties. There were several occasions when I sat with him in his woodshed, as he worked on his carpentry. Little was said, but there was an unspoken understanding and acceptance between us. We were just being together in that healing environment, giving each other space and mutual validation. It just came naturally.

I have said before, that listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give someone, but I realise that starts by having a sense of being with nothing to prove.  We are not called human ‘beings’ for no reason. Perhaps some of us have to learn to ‘be’ and then pass on the comfort we have received, no more and no less and leave the rest to God?

Years ago, my wife and I made our list and over the coming days refined it and checked it out with God. It consisted of our desires and dreams, that we believed He had given us. We then surrendered them to God and kept them close to our hearts.

Several of those items have since come to fruition, like wanting to see our children’s children – we now have five delightful grandchildren. Of the items that remain, there are at least a couple that stand out:

I long to see my wife healed. This has been the subject of hours – if not desperate – prayers over the years and many times I have received His personal promise that He will do just that. I have of course to surrender this to God, believing He will do what He has promised, in His way and in His time.

The next one is a real ‘biggy’ and although I don’t wish to go into the details right now, I can say that it is widespread and will involve others. At the present time in our life it seems far away, but I am encouraged by two things:

Everything in our life so far, the joys, struggles and hard times and the way God seems to be leading us, I am sure is preparing us for this. We believe every ounce of our experiences over the years will be used. Secondly, we believe in a God of the impossible. We don’t understand His ways, but we know He comes up with solutions that we could not have even thought of.  In the meantime we do all we can to stay close to Him in obedience and follow any prompts we are given. We also try to avoid diversions by way of activities that may be good in themselves, but do not fit in with the way we believe we are heading.

God sees the big picture. He is the Great Architect. All we have to do is follow what we believe He has given us. He knows what the future holds and it will all fit together when the time comes. To follow our dreams may seem risky, but I don’t think I could live with the regret of having done nothing, when it’s too late.

On top of that the hormone therapy treatment for prostate cancer added acute tiredness. It’s like a sort of ‘chemical’ tiredness that comes and goes, resistant to the healing effect of rest or sleep.  The resultant fog of fatigue (which see) is different but still trying.

However, these are early days and I am in a new learning ground. Now and again, without warning, this fog suddenly  lifts and I am presented with a ‘window’ of alertness that is delicious. Awareness and senses are restored. How long this window lasts varies, but usually no more than a few hours. So what am I to do with this sharp time?

My greatest desire is for intimacy with Father. He is my lifeline and way forward. I also believe God has promised to heal me. He has brought me so far, often in remarkable ways, and is not going to dump me now, but abiding in intimacy is vital. So my decision is clear and obvious. Giving time first and foremost for intimacy is my top priority, important commitments aside. After all, we are told in the Bible if we look to God as a top priority, all ‘these other things’ will be looked after. (Matthew 6:33)

There lies the struggle. I long to revel in this fresh freedom and clarity, to write, meet with others or engage – within my restrictions – in some pressing project which in itself could have the potential to send me back into the fog.

The decision is really a no-brainer, so hopefully I follow the Spirit’s leading!  Once decided upon and seated, problems and discomforts laid aside, the conversation develops until silence descends and hope rises. Always different, but if nothing else, there is the exquisite preciousness of just being with Father to keep me focused for what’s left of the day.

First things first!